The Age of Vulnerability

In the age of vulnerability, we are taught to engage in our pain. We are told that the only way to survive this life is to entertain the hurt; to dig into it and harness it for “creativity” or “passion.” This, my dear friend is creating an era of sickness and mass masochism.

I will not subscribe to this. In all honesty, I feel completely alone. I love on people too hard, too hard to the point of total isolation. I forget that people move on, they grow up and grow old, yet I still hold on to this fantasy that things can last forever.

Don’t feel bad for me. I am not actually alone with this. There are so many other people in this world who feel the same way. We have this tendency in believing that we are not enough for anybody because we are not close to anyone. You have convinced yourself that no one will actually truly love you unconditionally.

It’s hard, especially to lose someone who means the world to you. Historically there have been several notable people who suffered through isolation or loneliness. Mother Teresa, Vincent Van Gogh, and several relevant artists today.

I tried to understand why I seem so unapproachable. Is it because I look angry or intimidating? Am I incapable of intimacy… not in a sexual way but in a raw and vulnerable way. I walk amongst people who see me as aloof and self-centered but if you really got to know me you would know that I love and I love abundantly. I thrive on kindness and proactive-ness. Please don’t tell me you care for me if there are no actions to back up your jargon. I hate perfection; show me who you truly are. That is what I fall in love with. I promise I ask for very little in return.

I would like to point something out to you. This is not because of your “relationship” with God is broken. I was totally convinced that I was totally at fault for living this way. In my hours of isolation, I would convince myself that the reason that I lost people so easily was that it was my destiny to be alone. Yes, I convinced myself that the only type of love that I deserved was temporal love. I’m not the only one who believes this. My dear reader, you are probably convincing yourself every day that you are undeserving of attention or love.

The truth is that yes, sometimes following God’s call requires you to feel alone. My life at this moment is a testimony to that. I was in an environment where I knew everyone and was “friends” with everyone. It was easy to feel loved because it didn’t require sacrifice, but then God called me to the “dry-lands.” I was able to make and tried to maintain the old ones. Soon, however, the old ones started to fall off one at a time. For many, I lost contact and to the new ones, I felt terribly disconnected. Before I knew it, I found myself suffocating from perfection and drowning from loneliness.

I believe that there are people whose relationship with the father is solid and real, yet suffer from being alone.

I am not here to complain about my life. I am truly blessed. I have seen and experienced so much in my short life. Even now the father continues to blow my mind. I am just here to say that it is okay to feel alone, understand that isolation is real, but we should not enjoy it. I am going to work every day to keep loneliness at bay. I pray that you do also.

>>> Fast Forward

I fast forward to today; a week since those sentiments were expressed. The reason I decided to still publish the earlier piece is that I feel that it is invaluable to always remember what circumstances you have been brought out of in order to reach your current position. I am walking away from my isolation. I am stepping into my magnificence and I have chosen to embrace it with every fiber of my being. Yes, there are several times within the course of the day that I find myself struggling with loneliness or anxiety but that is offset by the fact that I am constantly surrounded by an army of warriors who love me tremendously.

I understand that my point of view is primarily centered on a gendered viewpoint, but I do believe that isolation has the potential to be felt by anyone regardless of gender.

Through this week I had the privilege to understand the importance of connecting my reliance not on people, but rather to God. This doesn’t completely erase loneliness, but this allows me to love others without expecting anything in return.

I want to make something incredibly clear to you. I don’t try to put myself in this situation. I don’t choose to separate my conscious from those around me. It is hard, however, to walk in a world where the majority assumes that you are untouchable. It is hard feeling loved when those around you are too afraid to interact with you. So instinctively, what ends up happening is you form a covering over yourself. You tell yourself that the reason that you are incapable of being seen as relatable is there is something fundamentally hard about you. I don’t feel less about of myself. I truly love who I am. I love the life that I was born into. I love the people that I am surrounded with. I even love the misgivings that I have risen from this life. Yes, I have suffered from mental storms in the past and I continue to suffer from bouts of anxiety. I do not accept that to be my normal. I don’t accept that to be what defines my mind.

I’ve also learned that I should not feel bad about the fact that I am the way that I am, and neither should you. You are marvelous my dear reader. I know this is a message that might be ever-present in your ears, and yet you might still choose to not believe it. I am here to break the hinges off those lies and tell you that no one ever deserves to be lonely. No one deserves to feel unloved. We are also not entitled to a world of pleasure and happiness, however. The reason that we suffer and we hurt is to remind ourselves that we are incredibly human. That our flesh is but mere flesh, and that our souls are bound to our mortal beings. It is only through the father that we are capable of more than just isolation. We will find ourselves in seasons of complete helplessness and yet we strive for this form of success. This form of happiness that can only be experienced if there is no pain. Don’t live in that mindset. Suffering is a stark reminder that there is happiness, that there is a balance between good and evil. Know that God walks with you even in the mist of the haze. He isn’t there to take away all the pain, but just like a parent, he is always willing to wade in the waters of this life. Knowing that holds more than a comfort to me, that is an assurance that my life is not being walked alone.